


Light

by flyingtacorage



Category: Fandom RPF, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Dark, Depressing, M/M, Raw and unedited, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-05
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-09-15 00:04:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9211082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flyingtacorage/pseuds/flyingtacorage
Summary: "There's something you all need to know..."





	1. Yesterday

**Author's Note:**

> It's 4:12 in the morning and I feel as though my depression is winning.
> 
> Have this raw, unedited, and probably shitty story.

Rain was pouring outside of the window as the sun made it’s way over the horizon. Mark rolled over in his bed and clutched a free pillow to his chest. The soft scent of nutmeg and cedarwood filled Mark’s nose as he buried his face in the soft object. Memories of arctic blue eyes and hair that was speckled with grey filled his vision as grief quickly regained its grasp on him.

Mark heard the door slowly open and the soft patter of footsteps crossing his room. He squeezed his eyes shut as he felt someone crawl into bed behind him and wrap their arms protectively around his shaking figure.

“Mark, you need to get up and get dressed. You have to go and finish up his funeral arrangements.”

He clutched the pillow closer to his chest as more sobs pushed their way through his body. He didn’t have to strength to walk back into that funeral home, much less sit there and have the mortician ask him about how he wanted Sean to look. He wanted him to look alive, to look at him with that same glint in his eyes, to look at him through his unusually thick lashes when he wanted something.

He just wanted him to look at him with those same blue eyes that he fell in love with.

Mark felt his mother’s lips on the back of his head as she left the room, shutting the door behind her. Deep down, he knew that he needed to get out of bed and make sure that Sean had the proper funeral that he deserved but how was he supposed to be strong enough to do this?

He pulled his face away from the pillow and looked out of the window at the grey sky.  Sean loved when it stormed because it usually meant that they would spend the day in bed together, with nothing but the storm and each other to keep them entertained.

Laying here reminiscing about the past wasn't doing what he needed to do, and Mark knew that because he knew that the moment he got up out of their bed that he would have to face the pity filled faces and see the thousands of concerned tweets asking why Sean hasn't uploaded in several days.

But he sat up and pushed himself off of the bed anyways, despite his mind screaming for him not to. He rummaged through their shared wardrobe until he found Sean's favourite sweatshirt. It was a worn out grey coloured sweatshirt with Sean's faded logo hand painted on the front.

He could feel the tears begin to form in his eyes as Sean's cologne wrapped around him like a gentle embrace. Mark walked out of their bedroom and ignored the faces of his family as he made his way towards their shared recording room. It was time that he broke the news to Sean's fanbase and his own. Of course, he wouldn't share the details of how he died, because that's all irrelevant, but Mark would let them know how he lived and how much Sean loved each and every single one of them individually.

So that's how he found himself sitting down in front of the camera with tear filled eyes and puffy cheeks. He leant forward and pressed the power button on the camera and tears began to make small tracks on his cheeks.

With a deep breath, he pressed record and looked straight into the camera lens.

  
"There's something you all need to know..."


	2. Video

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the tears this may/may not cause.
> 
> Usually, I edit my stories extensively and lately I've gotten someone that goes through and reads my grammar and such but I just had to get this out. It's bad and unedited but it's something that has been heavy on my mind.

Mark wiped his face with his sleeve as more tears began to fall down his cheeks. He squeezed his eyes shut as he breathed in Sean’s scent, hoping it would help ground him for the rest of this video.

“A few days ago, Monday the 2nd to be exact, Sean..Sean..something happened and..”

Mark looked towards his lap as he tried to get his thoughts in order. He should have thought up a plan for how this video was going to go and how he was going to address Sean’s death, but all Mark knew was that he had to do this. He had to get it over with because he didn’t know if he would have the courage to talk about it after his funeral.

He looked back towards the camera and swallowed, letting his tongue travel over his dry lips.

He could do this..

He _had_ to do this..

“Sean was murdered January 2nd.” he ran his fingers through his tousled hair as he continued “He and I were outside of Olive Garden when two guys came up to us and demanded our wallets. When Sean refused, they shot him and ran. I tried to save him by putting pressure on his wound but..but it wasn’t enough..he was gone before the ambulance arrived.”

“Sean and I...we...we.. were out on a date. Actually, I had just asked him to marry me minutes before he died. I remember the look on his face as I got down on one knee in front of the entire restaurant and asked him if he would give me the honour of being my husband. I knew from the first kiss that he and I shared that he was my soulmate. He..”

  
Mark covered his face as sobs began to flow through his body. This wasn’t fair. Why Sean? Why didn’t the thug shoot him instead? There was so much left in the world that Sean wanted to do and now, he’s never going to get the chance to.

Mark didn't hear the door open behind him as his mother silently entered the room. He could smell her perfume as she enveloped him in a hug, encouraging him to bury his face in blouse as if he were still a young child.

He was grateful that his mother was there, silently giving him the support that he needed to continue on with his life when he felt like giving up. She never spoke a word, though Mark understood what she was trying to convey without them.

He raised his face from her shirt and wiped away the tear trails that littered his cheeks.

"Mom, will you stay with me while I finish this video?"

She nodded her head and pulled up a chair beside him as Mark turned his attention back towards the camera.

"Sean's funeral is this Friday. I appreciate all of you that were supportive of mine and Sean's relationship. It was a hard decision telling all 15 million of you that he and I were in a relationship but the love and acceptance that we got was mind blowing and I'm never going to forget that."

"Before I begin to ramble, I'm going to end this video. I miss Sean, and I don't know when I'm going to upload again but I would appreciate privacy as I grieve. Thank you, all of you, for everything."

Mark stopped the recording and squeezed his mom's hand. He decided against editing it and began the process of uploading it to his channel. A small smiled played across his lips as he typed in the title that seemed most fitting. 

' _Sean_ '


	3. Wake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The urge to just end my existence is strong. 
> 
> I have no friends and that's making me feel empty inside.

“Mark, would you like to say a few words?”

Mark stood and straightened out his suit. The small church was quiet as Mark made his way to the small podium in the front. Giving a speech about Sean’s life seemed to give the confirmation that it was over and Mark was afraid that he wouldn’t be strong enough for it. But yet he stood behind the podium, letting his gaze travel over the group of people seated in the pews.

“I, uh, I don’t really know what to say. Sean was...my person.” Mark rubbed his thumb across the engagement ring on his hand as he swallowed back the tears that threatened to flow. “When he and I met all those years ago, something just clicked. The first night that he was in America, even though he was jet lagged and extremely exhausted, he and I went out to dinner at Cracker Barrel. I convinced him to try the chicken and dumplings with me and our first date turned into something absolutely amazing. And on the walk up to our hotel rooms, I kissed him.”

The sound of weak laughter filled the chapel as he ran his fingers through his hair, his face turning a light pink as he recounted the personal memories that he had kept hidden for so long.

“I was with Sean when he died.” he sucked in a deep breath as he continued, “We had just finished having dinner at Olive Garden where I asked him to marry me. He was my soulmate. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make him proud, wherever he is now.”

Mark lowered his head as he stepped down from the podium and hurried back to his seat. He focused his eyes on the chestnut casket that adorned the front stage. Part of him desperately wanted to go up there and see him again, to touch his face again, but the pain that would come with seeing Sean lying there lifeless is something that Mark didn’t think he would be able to live with.

As the preacher took his place behind the podium once again, Mark stood and made his way towards the doors at the back of the chapel. He wasn’t ready to live his life without Sean and there was only one way that he would be able to see his beloved again.

And Mark was ready.


	4. River

Mark checked his watch as he neared the small bridge that covered the Los Angeles river. It was just after 4:00 and Sean’s funeral was just beginning back at the chapel. He knew that his family would be wondering where he went but Mark couldn’t face them anymore. He couldn’t be there to see them bury the love of his life.

So here he was preparing to end his own.

“This just isn’t worth it without you Sean..”

Mark looked around the small park that surrounded the river and smiled gently. This was the place that Mark first told Sean that he loved him. He can vividly remember the bright sparkle in Sean’s blue eyes after he stumbled the words out in hopes that Sean felt the same way. The warm kiss that he received in return gave Mark the confirmation that he needed.

With tears in his eyes, he climbed onto the railing of the bridge and looked down at the boulder-filled river below him. This was it, this was his ticket to seeing Sean again.

“I’ll be there soon Sean, wait for me, okay?”

And so with a deep breath, Mark stepped off into the river below.


	5. Sean

All Mark remembers is hitting the water and fighting against the current. He never saw the boulder that lurked in the black water, not until he was slammed against it. Everything after that was lost to him. Was this what dying felt like? Just losing consciousness and slipping into the never ending darkness? There had to be more to it than just this..

Mark could hear the sound of the river water rushing past him. It seemed faded and distant but still there. He opened his eyes and looked at the sky above him. Clouds were covering the grey sky, threatening rain. His brow furrowed in confusion as he pushed himself to his feet.

_Am I dead?_

There’s no way that he was alive. No one was around to save him, he made sure of that before he jumped. So what was he doing standing on the river bank very much alive? The glint of police sirens from the opposite bank caught Mark’s attention. He tried to focus his eyes on what was happening but he couldn’t. So he jogged up and over the bridge towards the cluster of cars that were huddled close to each other.

As he neared the scene Mark’s eyes finally focused on what was the cause of the chaos. It was him. Or at least it looked like him. A man who looked to be no older than Mark was crouched by his chest, desperately attempting CPR. Crowds of people were gathered around watching the man try to bring him back. But Mark could tell from the look of his skin that the man's attempts were in vain.

“Do we have any identification on the man?” a police officer said, his voice cutting through the silence like a knife. The individual crouched by Mark’s chest shook his head and stood, giving up his attempt at reviving Mark.

“I-I know who he is..”

Mark and the police officer turned towards the gaggle of people that was forming along the treeline. A petite female pushed her way to the front of the line. She let her eyes fall on Mark’s body as her lower lip began to tremble.

“His name is Mark Fischbach. He’s a YouTuber. He was supposed to be burying his fiance today. What happened? Was he murdered too?”

Mark walked towards the girl and reached his hand out to her. He hated seeing people upset but having a fan see him like this was something that he never asked for. The officer shook his head and motioned for the coroner to move Mark’s dead body out of sight.   
“No, I’m afraid this is looking like a suicide. Did you know him personally?”

The woman shook her head as soft sobs began to leave her lips. A girl standing next to her enveloped the woman in a supportive hug while tears of her own fell down her cheeks.

Mark stumbled back away from the scene. This was beginning to get way too real for him. He shouldn’t be standing here watching this. Hell, no one should be standing here watching them take his dead body away. Was he going to have to watch them perform the autopsy too?

“It doesn’t get any easier, you know.”

_That voice.._

He slowly turned his head towards the right, letting his eyes focus on the lean figure that was perched against a tree.

“Sean? Is that really you?”


	6. Forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHH! This story has been one of my favorites to write. I apologise for it not being edited and being kind of shitty but I began this story when I, myself, was ready to kill myself. Like Mark, I wanted to jump off of the local bridge here and end it all but thanks to a few friends of mine I was able to bring myself back down from that brink. It doesn't get any easier with anything but it is more managable. Just please, if you take anything from this, just know that you are not alone. you are worth so much and your life may be bad now but it will get better. I promise.

“Why did you do it?”

Mark flinched at the venom in Sean’s voice. Why was he angry? They were together now, nothing could separate them anymore. Shouldn’t that make him happy? Sean’s blue eyes were cold and dark as they locked onto Mark’s deep, warm chocolate eyes.

“Tell me why the _fuck_ you jumped Mark! And don’t fucking say that you don’t know because you never do anything without a purpose behind it!”

Sean tapped his foot impatiently as he waited for Mark to answer. Mark sighed defeatedly. There was no avoiding this and he knew that. Usually, Mark can stall and find a way to word certain things so that it was easier for people to understand why something happened. But Sean wasn’t letting him do that. He wanted to know the truth right here and now so that’s what Mark was going to give him.

“I committed suicide. I jumped off of that bridge,” Mark gestured his hand towards the now taped off bridge “into the river below.”

“I know that, I watched you. But that doesn’t tell me your reasoning behind it.”

“Fine, you wanna know why then I’ll tell you. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t stand waking up every goddamn day knowing that I wouldn’t be able to see you. We had just gotten engaged for fucks sake! Did you expect me to be able to just continue on with my life and my career knowing that you wouldn’t be here to experience it with me? That you were robbed of your chance to leave your mark on the world? I just couldn’t Sean, I couldn’t. I wasn’t strong enough to go on without you so I did the only thing that I thought would bring us back together”

Mark watched Sean’s facial expression soften as his words began to sink in. Honestly, Mark didn’t want to tell him that he ended his life because of him but there was no way that he was going to be able to bullshit an excuse for anything else. This was the truth and Sean was just going to have to accept that.

“You gave up the rest of your life, your chance at having kids and growing old, just to be with _me_?”

Mark nodded solemnly, letting a soft smile pull at his lips. Sean’s eyes were filled with guilt as they searched Mark’s own. It killed him knowing that there was probably a small part of Sean that blamed himself for ending Mark’s life.

“What do we do now?”

Sean reached out and took Mark’s hand in his own. Mark felt relief wash over him as he relished in the sensation of having Sean’s skin touch his again. It felt like it had been years since the last time that he had touched Sean’s delicate skin.

“We go to where we are meant to be”

Mark raised an eyebrow in confusion but allowed himself to be guided towards the soft light that had appeared a few feet away from them.

“Sean?”

“Yeah?”

Mark tugged his hand loose and slipped the engagement ring off of his hand. He dropped down onto his right knee and smiled up at Sean.

“Will you do me the honour of being my husband?”

Sean’s cheeks flushed pink as he nodded in agreement, letting Mark slip the ring back onto his finger. Mark scooped Sean up in his arms and twirled him around in a circle. Sean planted a gentle kiss on Mark’s lips as he was lowered back down to his feet.

“Are you ready?”

Mark nodded and slipped his hand back into Sean’s. This was it, this was the beginning of their forever. Even though neither of them had originally planned on their lives turning out the way that it did, they were content with the outcome.

So with a smile on both of their faces, they stepped into the soft light.

Things were as they should be with Mark and Sean together and happily in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, there's the end :) Honestly it was a tad weird writing an unedited story. I'm not use to just letting the thoughts flow through my head and end up on screen but I'm really happy with how this ended and such. Thank you all for your support with my writing and with your kudos. <3


End file.
